“I try to stop looking at her, but it feels as if my eyes have a will of their own,” Manav said to his childhood friend, Deep.
When they were in school and then in college, they were rarely separated. They graduated together and then were fortunate to get jobs in the same city. They promised each other that nothing would change and they would keep meeting like always.
Like most college promises, this one faded quietly with time. They called each other regularly for the first few months, and then half-yearly became the new regular.
Manav fell in love with a beautiful girl called Manvi and, in the next eight years, became the father of two wonderful girls.
Deep married his long-time girlfriend Diya, and he too became the father of a baby boy.
Nearly a decade after college, the two friends met on a bus. They had no idea about the travel plans of each other, but as fate would have it, they bumped into each other.
After a lot of small and formal casual talk, Deep asked Manav about his office. While telling him about the office, Manav confessed to liking a coworker many years junior to him.
“Oh man! After so many years, you are still falling for a chick! You are a stud or what!” Deep teased his friend, laughing and trying to punch him.
Manav said casually, trying to evade the punch, “I know I have passed the age, but as I told you, I cannot control it. Whenever she is nearby, I turn toward her. Even when I try to resist, my eyes search for her like they are mocking my resistance. I have controlled my tongue and have never spoken to her, but my eyes are cheating me.”
Deep saw his face and instantly understood that this was not a joke anymore.
He grew serious and asked Manav, “You are a father of two kids. Don’t you have any shame left in you?”
Manav replied, “I know fully well that what I am doing can’t be justified by any logic or morality. I know that it is unfair to Manvi and the kids. I am even afraid that if that girl in my office knew my thoughts for her, she would feel molested and terrified. I am afraid that even if I ever dared to express myself to her, she would surely complain to HR and maybe also hand me over to the police. When I think from her side, I know how creepy it sounds. It is not that I am glad of my attraction. I hate myself for it. I have abused myself countless times for thinking like this. I take a vow every morning to avoid her completely. I have made plans to get a grip on my feelings. When I enter my office, I am well prepared to stop myself, and then I hear her voice coming from some distance. How a wave of sound can break all my defenses is still beyond me. My breath becomes uneven as soon as the sound enters my ears. It feels as if there is a rush of blood towards my heart and away from my brain. It feels as if a power has taken over me and ordered my body and eyes to look in the direction of the sound. When I look there, I see her talking to someone else, and my eyes feel a very strange sense of pleasure just by looking at her. Her smile, her voice, her eyes, her lips, the way she walks past me and I turn toward her like she is the sun and I am a sunflower.”
Deep replied, “The blood is not flowing toward your heart but towards your dick. You moron! You have explained it as if this is what you have been doing for the better part of your working day. What kind of stupidity is this? A father of two, having a wonderful wife at home, having a fantasy about a 10-year-younger office colleague.”
Manav said helplessly, “You are the only one I have dared to express myself to. For the better part of the last decade, I have shared every part of my life with Manvi, but how could I have shared this with her? It’s burning a hole inside me. Despite knowing the ruin, I have hopelessly fallen for this girl.”
Manav started looking outside the bus window. The trees were crossing fast. It was evening and the bus had just crossed the city. The traffic became smooth and the speed increased.
Deep too looked outside the very same window. He could also see Manav’s face from the side. He could see an eye of his friend. He could see a drop of tear, willing to leave the pupil. He could see the pain. He could see the helplessness. He could see his friend in deep trouble.
“When you met your wife for the first time, how did you feel about her?” Deep asked deeply.
Manav looked at him. Then he answered, “You know very well I liked her. She was such a beautiful girl at that time. I am still amazed that she agreed to marry me.”
“What happened then? Isn’t she beautiful anymore?” Deep asked.
“She still is. It’s not really her fault. No one can have the same body after two kids. Though she works out to maintain her figure and look like she used to when we first met, there will always be a difference between a 25 and a 35-year-old girl,” Manav replied.
“What about the kids? How is your relationship with them?” Deep asked.
“They are my life and my love. Though I didn’t want kids when I was a bachelor, somehow Manvi convinced me and now I cannot imagine my life without them,” Manav replied.
The way Manav talked about his kids, Deep felt that Manav really had a deep connection with them.
“What is the problem then? Your wife is still beautiful. You love your kids. Why shed tears for a random girl, who is not even aware of your desires for her?” Deep asked.
Before Manav could answer, Deep spoke again, “Do you still get happy to see your wife when you return home from the office?”
Manav replied, “Yes I do, but it’s not like it used to be. Once she was excited to have me back, but not anymore. She is always tired and grumpy. I can understand that handling two kids can be very tiresome. I can feel her problems and am willing to help out, but I don’t feel a sense of intimacy towards her anymore. We are two people who are living under the same roof just to take care of the kids. We are no longer a couple, but only parents. More often than not, we pass each other without even acknowledging it.”
“And you are trying to fill that space of intimacy with that office girl? What do you think will happen if, by a miracle, she realizes your desire for her and decides to fulfill it?”
Manav looked amazed. He had never ventured into this region.
“I really have no clue. Even in my imagination, I have never thought about it actually happening. The probability of such a thing happening is less than zero,” Manav replied.
“Let me tell you then. Imagine you two have decided to see each other. You make excuses at home to spend more and more time with her. You two are going to different places, living from one hotel room to another. At first, her charm and her beauty will keep you engaged. You will love seeing her in a way that you have only imagined.
Soon you will realize that she is not the same as your fantasy. In your dreams, she is everything that you want her to be, but in reality, she has a personality of her own. She has her own likes and dislikes. She has her own pain and pleasure points. As soon as the newness of your relationship is over, you will find yourself dissatisfied even with this new girl right beside you. She appears perfect only as long as she remains in your imagination.
After six months, she will be as exciting as your wife. But she cannot be your wife as you are already married. She will surely inform her family if she really falls so deeply for you. Now imagine yourself facing her family. How are you going to convince them that what you did with their girl was an okay thing to do? Have you ever noticed that when you imagine a girl, your brain keeps her in absolute isolation, bereft of any other relationship?
What would you have to offer her if she wants to continue the relationship? What if she gets pregnant? How will you help her in those difficult times? Will you want her to be a single mother or your current wife? Do you have any idea how much hassle it is to file to annul a marriage and then get into a new one? Aren’t one set of dissatisfied in-laws enough that you want two? If you become a father again with this new girl, will you be able to forget your current kids? What will you answer when they ask you about their mother, their new stepmother, and their new sibling?”
Manav was staring at him, his mouth slightly open. He had never imagined things in such detail. His imagination never really went beyond this girl.
Deep then finally concluded, “If one partner was not enough, no amount of partners would be enough. Work on the one you have rather than chasing a new one. This chase is endless. Just think over it.”
It had grown dark outside, but Manav could see more things in the light of the words of his friend. He kept his eyes on the outside. Slowly, his eyes closed.
After thinking for some time, he said, “Do you remember our college days? When Manvi proposed to me, you were the first one I told. We danced together for many hours that night. When you told me about Diya, I went overboard to arrange her contact. I was so happy for you when you fell in love, and now when I am telling you my feelings, you are taunting me and treating me like a criminal.”
Deep looked at him and said, “A decade has passed since then. We were both bachelors. Now we are both fathers. Can’t you see the difference?”
Manav nodded and said, “I can see the difference clearly. But something inside me still thinks that I am worthy of the same exciting experiences. My heart isn’t accepting that the time to venture into new territories is gone.”
Deep thought for a few seconds while staring out of the window.
He suddenly said, “I can see the problem now. I can see it clearly because, at some level, I am facing it as well.”
“You have a mid-life crush as well? And you were lecturing me all this while!” It was Manav’s turn to go ballistic.
“You blithering idiot! I have no such disease. What I am facing as well is a sense of loss. Loss of an era when we could be carefree. Loss of the time when every target felt well within reach. Loss of the youthful exuberance that sent us towards any beauty in the vicinity. I feel the loss of time as well. You are simply trying to chase a young woman to feel that once more. You are turning a blind eye to your reality. Remember! No matter how hard you try, you cannot turn back time. No man can.”
Manav looked puzzled. He wanted to say something but later decided against it. It was the first time that he felt uneasy speaking to Deep.
For the first time in years, Deep no longer felt like the boy who once danced with him till midnight. Even then, he felt relief after saying his feelings out loud. He needed a confidant. He always had one, but somehow the new regular was once in four to five years.
Lost in his thoughts, he kept staring outside as the darkness moved alongside the bus.
Somewhere in the noise of the engine and the wind, one truth became impossible to ignore:
No man can!
